I tried to comment on mcarp’s blog, 3:40 a.m. (linked at right), and I’m too technologically challenged to do it. He says his blog shut down when I linked. I’m hoping it’s because I have so many readers, it was like a Denial of Service attack when I linked. OK. So, it’s just a theory. I already said I was challenged. I want to be able to uplink images the way he does. I know I’ll never be able to draw in any medium as he does, I just want to be able to post the occasional picture of my grandkids. His latest blog entries are wonkspeak to me. Something about hardware that doesn’t work, I think. He’ll learn soon that if he wants readers, he’s gotta talk about sex. Even if he’s not getting any, he can lie. It’s what I do. Sex sells. When everything is pornographic, there is no obscenity.

I spent two hours last night on MySpace. I was just randomly jumping from one person’s page to another for no damn reason. Reading the inane and cute stuff, checking out the grrrls, listening to music from strange and independent labels. MySpace tends to be dominated by much younger people than me, 20 somethings from all I can tell. Most of the folks my age on MySpace seem to be the mothers and fathers of kids who are already wizards at constructing wild pages. There’s a kind of competitiveness about how many “friends” one can attract. I only have about a dozen friends, but lots of people have hundreds and a few have thousands. It’s a little like the blogosphere. It’s under the radar of the mainstream media and the “adult” worldview. This makes it a keyhole into pop culture that can be jaw dropping and mind numbing at the same time.

My daughter called the other day to tell me she’d bought a pink softball mitt for my grand-daughter, age 3. We talked about when RebL was a little leaguer and I coached her team. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe. Me coaching little girls how to play softball and being a good dad and all. Anyway, she and I shared some times we remembered fondly. I remember most vividly telling a ghost story to all her teammates at the end of the season and how all those girls squealed and ran into RebL’s room and jumped and screamed and then came running back downstairs for another story. She also remembered another year when her coach was a woman with an arrest warrant outstanding and they would get these clandestine messages about where practice would be. I love you, my darling daughter. Thanks for the call.

Sinatra is being such a kitten lately. He got up on my credenza and knocked over every single photo frame. He slept on a black sweater and covered it in white hair. He’s so enthusiastic about his kitty litter that it covers the kitchen half bath floor. He sleeps draped over me. When I pick him up and pet his face, he purrs at jet engine decibels. He’s outside right now making a bluejay scream. Life is good.

I’ve dedicated myself this year to a renewed devotion to AA. Went to a noon meeting yesterday. I’ve been pretty good about it so far this year. It’s good for me. I hear things I need to hear. I have also resolved to become more active in my church. It would help if I attended some Sunday. That would be a good start. I also resolved to write more this year. I started a story about my grandmother and now I’ve stopped writing again. I’ll take it with me today and maybe if I just keep the notebook handy, I’ll remember to write a paragraph or two every now and again. SuzArt called Sunday to say she’d finished a chapter, a hard one, at the last of her latest effort. It’s an inspiration to me. I’m very proud of her. For me, writing is more difficult than public speaking. It’s not as easy as you might think. It requires the one thing I’m weakest at: self discipline. I was thinking about how I’d like to be able to uplink images the way Mcarp does. All I require is a little application of focus and I know I can get that done. Yet, I don’t. Mcarp would call it “mindfulness”. I’m smart and therefore accustomed to having everything come easy to me. Yet, everything does not come easy. Sometimes you have to work for what you want. Waaa. Whine. Whimper. I don’t like that. I want to be handed everything. Life ain’t fair. It’s so much easier to watch a movie or surf through MySpace than to actually create a story. Or practice law. Or sumii. Or do the dishes. I’m oppressed by the expectations of others and most of all by my own expectations of myself. It’s also easier to intellectualize than to accomplish. I want to quit smoking, but I keep postponing and finding excuses. I want everything and nothing in particular. Most of my goals seem to be negatives: stay out of jail and bankruptcy court. In other words, my only goals are to avoid the consequences of my poor behaviors. I have no dreams for the future. I have no mountain I want to climb. We all get precisely what we are willing to settle for. I’ve settled for very little most of the time. Wish I had some big moral to this line of thinking. Some resolution that was emotionally satisfying or intellectually uplifting or spiritually soothing would be nice. Sorry, I don’t. Just tell yourself it doesn’t matter.

Happy Trails